


The Adventures of Mary Sue Morstan

by Hummingbird1759



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: April Fools' Day, Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-01
Updated: 2014-04-01
Packaged: 2017-12-07 05:27:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/744794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hummingbird1759/pseuds/Hummingbird1759
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The author attempts crack!fic.  Hilarity ensues.  Either that or your eyeballs will bleed.  Whatever, just read it!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters, Moffat/Gatiss and Conan Doyle do. Please review!

Mary Sue Morstan skipped down the streets of London.  “Gee whiz, what a lovely day!  The sun is shining, and the birds are singing! What could be better?”

Mary Sue was so happy she didn’t watch where she was skipping and bumped into John Watson, knocking him over.  Mary Sue helped John up because she was such a nice person.

“Gosh, you’re pretty,” John said.  “What’s your name?”

“Mary Sue,” she said, with a smile so bright John had to wear shades.

“Mary Sue, will you go out with me?”  John asked.

“Of course!”

Mary and John fell in love right at their first date.  John was over the moon.

He said, “I can tell you’re in love with me because your pulse is elevated and your pupils are dilated.”

Mary Sue thought that was totally romantic.  She definitely did not think it was a strange, creepy comment that a fanfiction author would have thrown in because all fanfiction authors must reference “A Scandal In Belgravia” whenever two characters fall in love.  Then John took her to 221B to meet Sherlock.  Sherlock was bored, so he deduced Mary.

“I can see that you’re a primary school teacher because you’re too dull to do anything else, you’re thirty-three years old and spend exorbitant amounts of money on wrinkle creams so that you will look twenty-four, you sleep with a plushie, and your biological clock, as they call it, is ticking and you would like to marry John and have children as soon as possible.”

“Why, that’s absolutely correct!”  Mary Sue beamed.  She was so proud to have been deduced by Sherlock Holmes!

John dashed out of the room and returned a moment later with a small box.  “Mary Sue, I know we’ve only known each other a day, but I feel like we are soul mates and should be together forever.  Will you do me the honour of being my wife?”

“Yes, John!”

Mary Sue and John were married that Saturday and the ceremony was everything Mary Sue had dreamed of since she was a little girl, despite the fact that they only had four days to plan it.  Everybody who knew Mary Sue pitched in and contributed something for the wedding because they loved her.  Sherlock was the best man and gave a toast at the reception and was a perfect gentleman the entire time because he respected Mary Sue so much.  Mycroft came to their wedding and Mary Sue taught him to dance the Macarena! 

After the honeymoon, Mary Sue moved into 221B with Sherlock and John because she understood that Sherlock and John were the super-bestest best friends ever and they could never ever be separated, not even by John’s wife.  (But they were not a couple, although even if they were, she wouldn’t have been bothered because she was open-minded and cool like that.)  She made them both tea and helped them solve their cases and taught Mrs. Hudson a new recipe for scones.  She helped Molly Hooper get a date with a pilot and helped Mycroft and Lestrade to open up about their true feelings for each other.  (Because Mycroft and Lestrade totally do love each other passionately, even though they’ve never appeared on camera together.  Totally.   All-encompassingly.)  She even got Sally Donovan to stop calling Sherlock a freak!  Anderson was the only one who didn’t like Mary Sue.  (Anderson’s greatest fear is that nobody cares what he thinks.  Mary Sue doesn’t have the heart to tell him it’s true.)

Then one day something awful happened!  Moriarty came back and kidnapped John, Sherlock, and Mary Sue! 

Sherlock protested, “How can you be alive?  The bullet went through your brainstem!”

Moriarty rolled his eyes.  “Sherlock, who cares how I eat or breathe or other science facts?  This is just a fanfiction!  You really should relax.”

Moriarty took them to his underground lair and they were all very frightened, even John the calm ex-army doctor, but Mary Sue saved the day by knocking all of Moriarty’s henchmen out with a boot to the head!  (She had a black belt in Ti Kwan Leep.)  Mary Sue called Scotland Yard and Lestrade came to arrest Moriarty.

When Lestrade put the handcuffs on Moriarty, Mary Sue said, “Being mean is lame!  You should be nice, because that’s cool!”

Moriarty said, “You’re absolutely right!  I repent of my evil deeds!  Lestrade, please take me to jail so that I might pay my debt to society!”

John, Sherlock, and Mary Sue were all about to go back to 221B when Mary Sue shouted, “Get down!” 

She knocked John and Sherlock over just in time to prevent them from being shot by Sebastian Moran!  (Because she notices things that Sherlock does not.  Again, she’s cool like that.)   The bullet hit Mary in the chest, but luckily she had a gun in her purse and she shot Moran before she died in John and Sherlock’s arms.  John and Sherlock were both crying like little girls, because that’s exactly what you’d expect from an ex-soldier and a sociopath, right?  Her birthday is now a national holiday in London, and every year everyone spends the day remembering her kindness and her beauty.  (Except Anderson, who stays home and plays with his dinosaurs.)

 


	2. Chapter 2

John returned to 221B Baker Street after Mary Sue's death. He spent most of his days moping, and Sherlock was totally supportive of his moping, except for the times when he dragged John out on a case. Which was pretty much any time he got a case, which was pretty much any time he was home more than half a second. Anderson and the fangirls had been stalking Sherlock since his return, and he was totally thrilled to help them find their lost kitties and get the boys they liked to notice them (or in Anderson's case, to get Sally Donovan to give him the time of day again). Anyway, Sherlock didn't think these cases were ridiculous and was really happy to take them, because somehow a two-year crusade to torture and kill all of Moriarty's men had turned him into a gigantic teddy bear.

What was I saying? Right. John was moping all the time, even when Sherlock dragged him along on cases. And then one day someone climbed up the 17 steps and knocked on the door of 221B. (All fanfic authors are required to mention the number of steps at least once in every story.) John had to get the door himself because Sherlock was off at the morgue snogging Molly. (In Molly's dreams, that is. In reality, Sherlock had found another pig to harpoon and Molly was doing his laundry. If you kids want to attach a second meaning to "doing his laundry," go right ahead. Since this fic is rated G, Molly will just be over here with the stain remover. Meanwhile, we're getting off track. Back to the knock at the door.)

John opened the door and was gobsmacked at what he saw. "M-Mary Sue?" "Yes, John! I'm back, and I've missed you so!" Mary Sue cried and leaped into John's arms. John started bawling and Mary Sue started bawling, and pretty soon there was a big puddle of tears at their feet. (Gross. But Mary Sue will clean it up because she doesn't want to trouble Mrs. Hudson.)

John sniffled, "I can't believe it's really you! The bullet went through your aorta!"

"But John, it was only a flesh wound!" Mary Sue cooed. "A very nice man named Charles nursed me back to health, and after two years I'm finally home!"

John didn't get at all suspicious when heard that, because he really is just a dumbass. Anyway, since his wife had returned, they decided to go out on a date. At the fancy restaurant, the waiter looked sort of familiar, but John couldn't figure it out. It wasn't until dessert that it finally dawned on him…

"Mycroft? What the hell are you doing here?"

"Just saving you from yourself, John," Mycroft said, and tackled John just in time for a bullet to whiz past his ear.

Because he's such a man of action, Mycroft got up without wiping the wine off of his shirt and proceeded to whip out an Uzi. He was about to mow down John's assailant when Mary Sue took out Mycroft and the assailant with one kick! (She has a black belt in Hip-Hopkido and she's opposed to guns.)

Mary Sue yanked the ski mask off of the man who tried to shoot John and revealed Charles Augustus Magnussen!

"Doesn't anyone just stay _dead_ anymore?" John groaned.

Magnussen chided, "Now, now, John, don't be upset. I came here about your wife's little secret."

Mary Sue replied in a sing-song voice, "Secrets, secrets, are no fun. You are hurting everyone."

Magnussen flicked Mary Sue's face. "Mrs. Watson, you've been a naughty girl, haven't you?"

With earnest sincerity, Mary Sue said, "Why, no, Mr. Magnussen! Gosh, I've never done anything wrong!"

"Really?" Magnussen cocked his head. "Never cheated on a test?"

"No, sir!" Mary Sue said indignantly. "It's wrong to get a grade you didn't earn!"

"Never skipped school when you weren't ill?"

"Certainly not! It's totally cool to stay in school!" Magnussen frowned. Somehow, the expert blackmailer didn't know what an extremely good person Mary Sue was!

"Never stained a borrowed item of clothing and lied about it?"

Mary Sue gasped, "Definitely not! If I accidentally spilled something on my friend's clothes I would pay for the cleaning and write the owner a letter of apology! And speaking of accidents, Mrs. Hudson told me to tell you that you're not allowed at Baker Street anymore! She thinks you're frightfully ill-mannered."

"I assure you, I have no desire to return to your disgusting hovel," Magnussen snarled. "Surely you've done something wrong, Mrs. Watson. Have you ever littered?"

"Good gracious, no!"

The blackmailer raged, "Have you ever squished a bug?"

She huffed, "Of course not! Insects are very important to the ecosystem, and they never did anything to me!"

"Good God. You must be the most boring woman on the planet!"

Magnussen threw up his hands in exasperation. "Fine, let's move on to John. We all know that Miss Goody-Goody over here isn't really the one you love. She's just here to distract everybody from –"

**"ME!"**  Everyone turned around as the woman formerly known as A.G.R.A. crawled out from beneath an adjacent table carrying a shotgun.

Magnussen shrugged. "Not the person I was thinking of, but I'll take it!"

"Shut it, wanker," she snapped, knocking him over with the shotgun barrel.

"Who are you?" Mary Sue looked at her, bewildered.

"I'm Mary Watson, you twit! What are you doing with my husband?" She demanded.

"But that's not possible! He's my husband!" Mary Sue protested.

"I'm afraid it is, and he isn't," Mycroft said evenly. "You are legally dead, Mary Sue. If you were to challenge her in court, you wouldn't have a leg to stand on."

"But John loves me! Don't you, John?" Mary Sue pleaded.

John took a moment to size up both Marys. "There's only one fair way to settle this. The two of you have to fight."

Mycroft rolled his eyes. "Oh for God's sake! That's really the only thing you could think of?"

"No one asked you, Mycroft!" John barked. "Go home and snog Lestrade or something!" Mycroft left, grumbling that at least John hadn't suggested Molly Hooper.

Mary Sue began to protest that she could never be in a fight, but before she finished her sentence, the other Mary knocked her out with one punch.

"I have to admit, that was pretty sexy," John said. The two of them took each other's hands and made for the door.

Meanwhile, Mycroft's people arrested Magnussen and decided that the only appropriate punishment for him was a lifetime in a cell with Mary Sue. Everyone lived happily ever after – including Magnussen, because after a few weeks in the cell he went deaf and could no longer hear anything Mary Sue said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As with the prior chapter, this is what happens when I get sick. Luckily for all of you, I have a pretty robust immune system. :) Happy April Fool's Day!

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by “A Trekkie’s Tale” by Paula Smith. (Google it.) Happy April Fool’s Day! Moriarty’s first line is taken from the Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme song. Mary Sue’s comment to Moriarty is shamelessly stolen from “The Big Bang Theory.”
> 
> PS – I wrote this when I had a sick day and was under the influence of cough syrup. If it sucks, blame the cough syrup.
> 
> PPS – The main ingredient in my cough syrup is Jack Daniel’s. Alcohol is bad, m’kay?


End file.
